Airlines Cracking Down On Emotional Support Manimals

Chicago, IL – On Monday, domestic airline carriers announced they are tightening rules for flying with Emotional Support Manimals (ESM), requiring passengers to show authorized proof of need and some form of guarantee the manimal will not be a threat to other passengers. “We’ve seen a significant uptick in the number of Emotional Support Manimals […]

Haram Researchers Invent New Way of Sneaking Pork Into Food: "First the rennet in the cheese and now the this?!"

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Speaking via webcast yesterday, scientists at the Haram and Very Makruh (HVM) Institute announced a breakthrough, allowing them to stealthily infuse pork-based molecules into virtually all forms of food. “This is the kind of edible innovation we’ve worked tirelessly to achieve,” stated Lead Research Dr. Taem Marah. “Game over.” Marah explained the […]

Halal Beef Bacon Declared Unfit for Human Consumption: Muslim Scientists Reveal Finding After Years of Research

DARIEN, IL – At a press conference earlier this week, a group of Muslim food researchers declared all forms of “halal beef bacon” as being unfit for human consumption. The finding was the result of a study examining the popular beef-based substance. “Have you tried this crap?” remarked Research Director Dr. Haroun Jaleel regarding the […]

What if Diet Coke Can Technology Fell Into the Wrong Hands?: The doomsday scenario would be impossible to aspar-tame.

Washington, DC – Authorities are on high alert after unopened cans of Coke were purchased in bulk from area Costco and other wholesale and discount stores. The Department of Defense released a report based on intelligence gathered over the past several weeks. The recent report was published on the heels of Friday’s incident in which […]

Weekender – Progressive White Couple Excited to Try Ethnic Restaurants with Bad Service: "They served us our appetizers after dessert."

Chicago, IL – Patrick and Kathryn Edwards are taking a break from their ordinary routine of eating at established venues with dependable service. Last weekend the twenty-something, progressive couple took to Yelp and tried ethnic restaurants in their neighborhood with less than stellar service. “Patrick and I searched our phones for all sorts of ‘one […]