Zabihah-Halal Gang Rivalries Flare: Weekend Incident Underscores Rising Hostilities

CHICAGO, IL – Authorities are regaining control of the Kedzie Avenue region after another weekend of violence in Chicago. Hostilities erupted Sunday afternoon when the Zabiha-only “Devon Boyz” gang made a lunch visit to Habib’s Halal Meat & Cash Advance, a prominent middle eastern deli/financial institution. “He said something like ‘slalekum’ and he ask me […]

Social Media Braces for Wave of Date Puns: Experts predict this will be the busiest year on record

Menlo Park, CA – As the beginning of Ramadan draws closer, Muslims, friends of Muslims, and any associated variants brace for the flood of date puns usually expected this time of year. These puns promote themselves under the guise of memes, status updates, tweets, and any other bite-size content the internet can throw at us. […]

Fat Muslims Dread Coming Ramadan: Obese Scramble to Find Excuses

MILWAUKEE, WI – Overweight Muslims everywhere are collectively dreading the start of Ramadan, the Islamic holy month that includes obligatory fasting from sunrise to sunset. Many lament giving up their habits of constant snacking and excessive consumption of sugary beverages. “Why can’t we be more like Catholics? They give up sitcoms for lent,” questioned one […]