What do you make of ISIS banning Eid prayers?

ISIS recently banned residents in Mosul from offering congregational Eid al-Fitr prayer, claiming the practice is not part of Islam. What are your thoughts? “Agreed. Brother Bilal’s extended hugs get creepier every year.” Maleek Rabab “I’m hella bummed I don’t get to wear my new glitter jilbab, but at least our new dictators aren’t using […]

IndoPak Muslims Urge Return to Ramzan, Khuda Hafiz, Slalekum: "Allah Miya wants this!"

CHICAGO, IL – Muslims of Indian and Pakistani descent are demanding a return to their roots, rejecting the recent “Arabization” of their language and culture. “The transient subcontinent culture takes great pride in arbitrarily deleting vowels, syllables, and logic when borrowing words and ideas from other cultures,” explained Professor Shakeel Ahmed from the University of Indians […]

ISIL Challenges Hamas to Dance-Off: "It's On in Ramadan!" Claim Militants

Aleppo Province, Syria – Earlier today, ISIL militants released an 8-hour online video criticizing Hamas for their failures. In the video, a Che Guevara lookalike ranted for 15 minutes and challenged Hamas leaders to a dance-off to settle the matter. “You knew this was coming. We finna drop a dope beat,” shouted the gunman, removing his turban and donning […]

Study: Terrorists Opting to Work From Home: Terror/Life Balance, Drone Strikes Cited as Primary Reasons

WASHINGTON, DC – According to a recent Pew Research Center study, a growing number of terrorists are choosing to work remotely. Over the past five years, the number of jihadists choosing to “terorrize from home” rose nearly 200%. “The commute is long and chaotic,” cited one respondent. “Our terror office location is ever-shifting since we’re constantly targeted […]

Trivorces Increasing in Arab World: Polygamous Households Dealing with Multiplied Headaches

RIYADH, KSA – A recent report published by the Saudi government’s Division of Polygamy and Slavery noted a rise in the “bobularity of trivorces,” the simultaneous divorce of a man with two or more wives in a polygynous household. The report concluded a 20-year study performed by a team of researchers investigating Arab marriage customs. […]