DARIEN, IL – At a press conference earlier this week, a group of Muslim food researchers declared all forms of “halal beef bacon” as being unfit for human consumption. The finding was the result of a study examining the popular beef-based substance.
“Have you tried this crap?” remarked Research Director Dr. Haroun Jaleel regarding the 20-year study. “I have. Every [expletive] day for the last 20 [expletive] years. Disgusting.”
Wiping away a visible stream of tears, Dr. Jaleel went on to note beef bacon has “become an epidemic,” noting its presence in virtually every halal grocery store on the planet.
“Why are they shoveling this crap down our throats? Every [expletive] grocer has it, often times well past it’s clearly labeled expiration date,” noted the foul-mouthed Ph.D.
“Not like that matters because it tastes like cardboard and ass, regardless. At least there’s turkey bacon or turkey strips or whatever the hell they’re calling it these days.”