Eid Prayers Held at Bambi’s: All Other Venues Booked

Houston, TX – After a significant reservation oversight, the Islamic Community of Greater Houston (ICGH) was forced to make a last-minute decision in finding an appropriate venue for this year’s Eid-ul-Fitr prayer.¬†With both the George R. Brown Convention Center and the Astrohall booked, ICGH President Malik Muhammad was faced with very few options.

“I’m not sure who dropped the ball on this one, but we had no time and had to think fast,” said Muhammad.

ICGH, for the first time in North American Eid prayer history, reserved Bambi’s located off Westheimer Rd. The establishment has been described by the business as a “place where gentlemen meet.”

“My advisor, Hassan Tulaybah had told me about a place he once visited a few months ago, and said it had adequate capacity once all the tables and small stages had been moved. I went with it, not bothering to investigate further,” said Muhammad.

Tulaybah described his last-minute strategy as a “no brainer.”

“When ICGH asked me where to hold a Ayeeeeeed Brayer, I say ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh Bumbi Hall!”

Tulaybah then proceeded to belch a waft of vodka into the air, and passed out.

Because the morning prayers were held outside of Bambi’s normal operating hours, most of the establishment’s typical patrons were nowhere to be found.

As people entered into Bambi’s, a voice over the megaphone could be heard saying, “Brothers and sisters, please remove your shoes and nothing else!”

“And don’t forget to Purell yourselves every five minutes!”

Many community members witnessed the anomalies spawned from the event.

“It was amazing, I could see the imam hanging from a pole giving the khutbah. He kept addressing us as ‘Gentlemen and Sisters,'” said an excited Haris Qudus, 19, who normally wouldn’t be able to enter Bambi’s due to his age.

This year, Eid expenses were calculated at $5 per head, unless congregants wished to experience the venue’s ‘VIP Backroom’ at $25 per head.

“The people who came early got to sit in the VIP lounge, but you know it’s not really different in there,” said Malik Muhammad. “Same thing you have out here just in a more intimate setting.”

One of Bambi’s infamous dancers, Sparkles, was just ending her shift from the previous night as congregants began to arrive. As she walked out of the building, she was pulled aside by an ICGH volunteer.

“Some jerk with a big beard just told me to go back to the sisters section,” she said with disgust. “I told him, ‘Honey, this whole room IS THE SISTERS SECTION!'”

At the end, more donations were requested to pay for the hall, and folded one-dollar bills were the preferred denomination.

Santa Myth Exposed: Muslim Second Grader Ruins Christmas for Entire Class

BOSTON, MA – After the events that transpired here last week, Ms. Johnsons’ second grade classroom will never be the same.

“We were making cardboard cutouts for the school’s holiday musical when all of a sudden, I hear Adnan telling everyone that Santa Claus isn’t real,” stated Ms. Johnson in reference to Adnan Sami, one of her seven-year old students. “I don’t know what on earth possessed him to tell such horrid, horrid… truth.”

“My mommy told me,” explained Adnan. “I go home and asked her if Santa Claus was coming to our house because we don’t have a chimney. She said that Santa’s not real and I said okay and that was it.”

“How on earth can people live like that?! It’s insane,” exclaimed a visibly-upset Ms. Johnson.

The child has a history of ruining holidays for area youth.

Last Easter, he quickly pointed out that the Easter bunny who visited their classroom was in fact the school’s alcoholic janitor, William Banes.

“He sounded like Willy because Willy always sounds like he’s about to go to naptime,” laughed Adnan in reference to Banes’ ongoing problems with alcoholism.

“He’s two for two thus far,” stated School Principal Marvin Taylor. “We’ve got to brace for New Years. There’s no telling what damage this kid can do.”

What do you think of Saddam Hussein’s capture?

Saddam Hussain was recently captured by US forces after hiding in a small hole underground. What are your thoughts?


“Yea! We’re now free of terrorism!!!”
Heba Hussaini, Teacher


“I can relate to living in a rathole. My trailer’s a dump.”
Vali Mehmood, Actor


“He’s a malicious, beligerent tyrant. Oh wait, I thought you were talking about Bush.”
Jibreel Yaseen, Mechanic


“About time they caught bin Laden!”
Umair Qasim, Engineer

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Masjid Conducts Annual Running of the Muslims

VILLA PARK, IL – The tranquil, standstill air at the Islamic Foundation in suburban Chicago wasn’t indicative of the events about to transpire just moments later. On the evening of Sunday, October 26, one could not expect any force to break the serenity and peaceful vacancy that filled the halls and rooms of the 15 year-old masjid. However through years of experience, Islamic Foundation’s staff knew all too well about the phenomenon about to take place.

On the horizon of the parking lot, a throng of people were visible and could be seen advancing closer and closer as the ground thumped with every step.

An event which has attracted locals and law enforcement alike, the Annual Running of the Muslims begins every year just at the start of Ramadan.

On a normal day, the Masjid is relatively quiet and not many people are seen inside.

“They wait for moon news, and if we see moon, fine… it’s Ramadan. Then they come running in like masjid going out of business sale,” explains Islamic Foundation’s director Malik Sultan.

Among the audience was 35 year old Judith Boyer who lives just down the street from the Islamic Foundation.

“With the economy being so bad, we couldn’t afford to go to Spain so I said ‘Honey let’s go check us out some stampeding Moslems.'”

Omar Azim participated in the run last year and noted that the experience was exhilarating.

“It’s like your running and sometimes you want to stop, but you can’t because there are people behind you,” said the nineteen year old Azim.

“I couldn’t tell what was happening or where I was going. I looked up to find myself running next to a stampeding sheep in the sister’s section.”

This year’s numbers indicated a record turnout and was a huge success according to Islamic Foundation’s staff.

Man ‘Books’ Without Praying Sunnah

30 Year Old Fahad Azim reportedly booked out of the masjid last Friday without praying Sunnah.

“I turned around to look for him, but I think he took off,” said Abdul Ghaffour who usually meets up with Azim after Salat every Friday.

Azim was seen leaving hurriedly during the announcement portion of the Friday prayers.