Washington, DC – Authorities are on high alert after unopened cans of Coke were purchased in bulk from area Costco and other wholesale and discount stores.
The Department of Defense released a report based on intelligence gathered over the past several weeks. The recent report was published on the heels of Friday’s incident in which a Muslim woman requested an unopened can (the most dangerous type of can) of Diet Coke on a United Airlines flight. The woman claimed the unopened cans were more ‘hygienic.’
Coincidentally, crates of Coke cans disappeared overnight in ISIS strongholds across Syria and Iraq. Sources could not confirm if the cans were unopened or ‘diet-grade.’
A video released by the terrorist organization shows a group of masked men gripping Diet Coke cans in their hands, chanting, “Yes we CAN, yes we [Diet Coke] CAN!”
The recent report begs the question: What will violent groups do with the unopened cans of Coke? Furthermore, will they obtain the technology to mass produce diet-grade soda cans and distribute them across their growing army?
These questions are being posed to officials at the National Can-Violence Prevention Conference (NCVP) happening in Mclean, VA this weekend. Officials will also discuss how they will safeguard stockpiles of Coke cans across the world, and alert foreign governments to raise their respective security levels.
Authorities fear that an angry group of Muslims with malicious intent could throw multiple unopened cans at unsuspecting people, resulting in a ‘thunk’ sound effect. A series of these actions could result in a painful, yet comical montage of events.
Defense officials are closely monitoring the situation, and have issued a temporary ‘bottle-only’ order.