Santa Just a “10 second Photoshop Job” Away from Becoming Radicalized: This Christmas, Santa may be saying 'Ho Ho Ho-akbar!'

Washington, DC – The FBI is currently monitoring the threat of Santa’s radicalization through the popular image editing software: Photoshop. Concerns were raised across the country after multiple individuals witnessed the similarities between Santa Claus and the general profile of a ‘radicalized’ Muslim, which includes a beard, a cap, and the likelihood of flying an object onto/into buildings through […]

Smartwater Downgraded to Dumb Lota: Water changes from potable to pot-able

Mason, OH – Ahmed Khan capitalized on a moment of ingenuity late Thursday when he grabbed an empty bottle of Glaceau Smartwater, and headed for his hotel bathroom at the Marriott in Mason, Ohio. Caught amidst a dire situation, the twenty-eight year old technology consultant from Chicago quickly improvised in his attempts to maintain a […]

Muslims Indict a Ham Sandwich: Grand jury makes decision to open up expeditious trial

New York, NY – A grand jury comprised of Muftis, Imams, and other variants of Muslim successfully indicted a ham sandwich late Thursday, as there was “compelling” evidence towards the dubious composition of the popular food item. The 13 member jury gathered in the afternoon and sat through videos, photos and testimonies surrounding the sandwich […]

Father skeptical of Convert-Son-In-Law’s Halal Turkey: "Pretty sure we're going to see a Christmas tree pop up in a couple of weeks..."

Downers Grove, IL – Masoud Rahmnan kept turning down offers of turkey at his daughter’s house on Thursday, as he remained suspicious of his new son-in-law’s practices and convictions towards the Islamic faith. “I’m not saying it’s not Zabiha, but one must take precaution in every aspect of life, especially if your blonde-haired, blue eyed […]