MAHNA MAHNA, YEMEN – Struggling to maintain relevance in a climate of increased terror choices including Boko Haram and ISIS, Al-Qaeda senior management recently announced the hiring of Razak bin-Alwaiz Saleeby, the organizations first-ever CMO.

In a grainy video posted to Naseeb.com, a popular online terrorist forum, the new CMO quickly established his credentials, including an MBA from a diploma mill in the Caribbean, and spoke candidly to the masses.

“I’m not going to lie. I know what I signed up for. We have serious issues with our brand perception”, stated Saleeby. “Online buzz is at an all-time low. The FBI won’t stop hacking us. The NSA is getting more hate on Twitter than us. Recruiting is a mess compared to ISIL or ISIS or whatever they’re calling themselves.”

Saleeby went on to stress that the terrorist group must connect with a new generation of disenfranchised youth and psychopaths. “Youth marketing is huge. We need to attract followers to replace martyrs. Our marketing has to go far beyond Likes and retweets.”

Saleeby went on to cite past blunders in Al-Qaeda’s marketing efforts, including having their hashtags hijacked by actual hijackers, and the infamous 2011 “Tower Rangers” campaign commemorating 10 years of post-9/11 terror.

“[The Tower Rangers] were a catastrophic failure. They looked great on paper but we hired lackluster partners to execute and wound up with a low-budget, incoherent 3-hour video even LiveLeak wouldn’t post. I think it ended up on Turkish TV,” lamented Saleeby.

Elaborate on his top priorities, Saleeby noted, “We’re going to issue a formal RFP for social, mobile and PR.”

While he wouldn’t go into details of who’s invited to pitch the business it’s safe to assume that big agency partners will be thrown into the mix with smaller startups. Rumors are buzzing that “Hamas & Falafel”, a creative team from Yemen who survived a botched car bombing, will be included alongside incumbent Wieden+Kennedy Palestine.

“We’ve got to get back to our roots and reignite the passion and intense hatred that made us so special,” remarked Saleeby. “If we can’t do that then it might be time for a rebrand. New logo, maybe a slogan, a jingle, everything. There are no sacred cows. If I can’t get this right then I know it’s not too long before my head rolls.”

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