New York, NY – An Israeli settler who traveled all they way to a Gaza protest encampment near the Columbia University campus, evicted a protester from his tent and claimed it as his own.
“If I don’t take it, someone else will,” said the 58 year old native of Florida who admitted he never attended a college in his life, nor is he affiliated with the school.
“It is my God given right to be in this… Coleman tent.”
Follow @islamicanews for this rather unsettling settlement situation.
For the first time in the Kingdom’s history, Saudi Arabia will participate in the Miss Universe beauty pageant by sending their contestant’s male guardian on her behalf.
29 year old model and content creator Rumy Albakhtani will be represented by her older brother Rashad bin Abdullah on the world stage.
“As a little boy I always dreamed of representing my sister or future wife in a beauty pageant,” said bin Abdullah as he struggled to fit into a sequin-laced bikini for the event’s swimsuit competition.
“This is a responsibility I take seriously, and that’s why i’m getting a perm for my chest and back hairs.”
Follow @islamicanews as this story gets hairier.
On Saturday, U.S. supplied humanitarian aid dropped into Gaza was obliterated by U.S. supplied missiles and bombs also meant to be dropped on Gaza.
Personnel at U.S. Central Command were reportedly frustrated as pallets of over 38,000 meals were destroyed by weapons delivered on pallets by President Biden just months prior.
“This has become a bit of a logistical conundrum for us,” said one official.
“We need to figure out if we want to drop our 2 ton bombs before we drop the humanitarian aid, or after. If we do it before, then what’s the point? BUT if we do it after, then what’s the point?”
The same officer mentioned that the Biden administration is open to more efficient delivery options.
“Perhaps if we place the bombs INSIDE the aid boxes, it will save us a trip?”
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In an effort to win Muslim customers back, Starbucks announced it will begin to put hijabs on its entire menu of drinks.
Over the past couple of months, Starbucks found itself at the center of a global boycott campaign which alleges the coffee giant’s support for Israel. They intend to put these allegations to rest with the introduction of the ‘Caramel Hijab-uccino,’ and other beverages.
Customer reactions to the new cups have been mixed. Some celebrated the efforts for inclusion and the business’ product innovation. Others struggled, as they spent 35 minutes ‘unraveling’ their coffee.
One Muslim patron complained about a grande sized strand of hair showing in his medium roast.
Some non-Muslim Americans were outraged and accused Starbucks of pushing the “Islamiization” of America
“This is terrorist coffee!” said Hank Williams at a drive-thru window in Arkansas.
“While I’m here, can I get two creeps of Splenda in my Shariah creep?”
In related news: Government of France Bans Hijab Coffee Cups
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On Monday, Benjamin Netanyahu quietly asked Elon Musk to change Gaza’s wifi password in order to prevent Palestinians from broadcasting real-time images of devastation and genocidal crimes to the rest of the world via social media.
Netanyahu made the request of Musk during the billionaire’s visit to Israel to address “information security” matters.
“I am not someone who is – how you say – tech savvy – or – how you say – honest,” said Netanyahu to Musk as he walked him over to a data closet right outside the Gaza strip.
“Perhaps you can reset the password to something else like ‘ithamasfault123’ or ‘ilovekillingbabies01’ or ‘idontwashmyhandsafterpeepee00’ so that they can’t log on.”
The Israeli Prime Minister also asked Musk to clear his web browsing history while he was at it.
Follow @islamicanews – for free wifi and free 🍉
